I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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