So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
