I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Holy sore nipples Batman
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Why are your pants in the freezer?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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