They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
