Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
