So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
