who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
