She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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