It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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