I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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