I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
