and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
