just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
