The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
