we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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