The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
