He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
