If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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