Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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