so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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