I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
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