My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
