I hate all girls vehemently.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
