He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
