i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm like, not good at living.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
