just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I just found a bag of teeth...
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
