yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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