I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
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