Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
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