Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
