oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I fill condoms, not promises.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
