the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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