my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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