i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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