Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
