is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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