At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
