wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
