when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
