watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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