i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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