Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
