Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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