I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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