UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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