WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
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