My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
