people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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