A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
