if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
