Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
