i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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